𝗗𝗜𝗙𝗙𝗘𝗥𝗘𝗡𝗧 𝗧𝗬𝗣𝗘𝗦 𝗢𝗙 𝗥𝗔𝗗𝗜𝗢 𝗣𝗛𝗢𝗡𝗘-𝗜𝗡 𝗖𝗔𝗟𝗟𝗘𝗥𝗦 𝗜𝗡 𝗔𝗕𝗜𝗔 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗧𝗘

By Michael Oni

In my years as a broadcast journalist—working in both Aba and Umuahia—I’ve picked up something interesting. No matter the program, no matter the topic, our radio phone-in lines attract the same familiar characters. From the storytellers to the loyalists, callers in Abia are in a world of their own. And believe me, you’ll definitely recognize them…

𝗧𝗵𝗲 “𝗕𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲-𝘁𝗵𝗲-𝗥𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗼” 𝗖𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀
These are the callers who forget they are holding a phone and sitting right beside their booming radio. Once they start talking, all you hear is: “Biko, wedata olu radio gi” … “Puo anya n’akụkụ redio gi.” The feedback and distortion will not stop until the presenter, out of frustration, cuts them off.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 ‘𝗡𝗼 𝗙𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗚𝗼𝗱’ 𝗖𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀
They call SUN FM but will shamelessly ask, “O bu REAL FM ka m ji eje ugbua?” Or they’ll mention the name of a rival OAP on live radio just to cause small trouble. They enjoy stirring mischief—pure cruise for them.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗰𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿-𝗧𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗖𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀
Every call is fire-for-fire. They throw insults at government officials, drop vulgar words, spin conspiracy theories, and sometimes drag other callers. Passion no be problem, but radio no be beer parlour—there are codes guiding what can be said on air.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗢𝗻𝗲-𝗠𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗖𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀
No matter the topic—economy, health, education, or football—they only have one message:
“Biko, gwa anyi ka ha gwa President Tinubu.”
They never fail to find a way to turn everything into that one request.

ALSO READ: ASEPA Cracks Down on Poor Sanitation in Umuahia with House-to-House Inspection Drive at Cameroonian street

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗿𝗲𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀
They don’t want to contribute. They just want to greet.
Presenter: “Kedu ihe i nwere n’uche gbasara isiokwu anyi?”
Caller: “Anyị chọkwara ikwusi na anyị na-anụ ụtọ ọrụ unu. Jisie ike!”
Sweet, yes—but sometimes it eats into valuable airtime.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀
This one is a whole documentary. “Afọ m bụ Chief Nnaemeka Chukwudi a.k.a. Onye Ogbako Abia, nwa Amaokwe, onye Abia State, nwa Eze n’ime Eze, di nke Ngozi, nna nke Kelechi na Chidera…”
By the time they finish listing their full name, nicknames, hometown, and family tree, the line has either cut or the program is over.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗿 𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗼𝗿𝘀
They call in, not to discuss, but to pray for the presenter, the program, the governor, the president, and sometimes the entire nation. “Chukwu gozie unu, mee ka ọnụ unu dịrị gị n’ike, soro unu niile gaa n’ihu…” Before you know it, two whole minutes is gone—only prayer!

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀
Every contribution turns into a flashback.
Presenter: “Mee ka okwu gị dị mkpirikpi.”
Caller: “Ehee, nke ahụ chetara m afọ 1999 mgbe PHCN kpọrọ ọkụ n’oge Super Eagles na France…”
Everybody must hear history—whether relevant or not.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿-𝗔𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗲𝗿𝘀
These callers don’t have original opinions. Their only assignment is to attack the last caller. “That man wey call before me no sabi wetin him dey talk.” They live for corrections and rebuttals.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗛𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀
They vanish until awoof shows up. Recharge card? Rice? T-shirt? Na dem go dial first. Once giveaway finish, you won’t hear from them again—until the next awoof.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗖𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀
These are professional callers. You hear their voice in the morning on political talk, by afternoon on women’s program, and at night on the love zone. They seem to have airtime for eternity.

ALSO READ: Abia Government Sacks Six Civil Servants Over Salary Padding

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗙𝗶𝘅𝗲𝗿𝘀
They always know the “solution” to everything. Nigeria’s electricity problem? They have the answer. ASUU strike? They can fix it. Arsenal defense? Leave it for them. If only somebody would hand them power for one day!

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘀
They specialize in grammar and fact-checking.
“Ọ bụ afọ 1956, ọ bụghị 1986.”
“Ajụjụ bụ aghụghọ, ọ bụghị aghọghọ.”
They may not contribute to the main discussion, but they will never allow an error to pass.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝗹𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗔𝗻𝗮𝗹𝘆𝘀𝘁𝘀
Once they start, na lecture hall. “Ka anyi nyochaa ndọrọ ndọrọ ọchịchị Abia site n’afọ 1999 ruo taa…” They break down every regime, every policy, every governor. No breathing, no pause.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗼𝗿𝘀
Deep, wise, and thoughtful. These ones talk like lecturers with so much knowledge. Sometimes you wonder if they should be the host of the program instead of a caller.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝘆𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀 ❤️
The crown jewel of callers. They are more than fans; they are family. They listen religiously, defend the station everywhere, and sometimes even bring adverts or gifts. Every station dreams of having them.

🎤 At the end of the day, callers are the heartbeat of radio. They make the shows lively, interactive, and sometimes dramatic. But abeg—Which one are you? And which one annoys you pass?

BTW, On those pictures I shared, just tried my hand at animation for the first time—using one of my old photos. What do you think?

-Michael Oni is a BBC-trained broadcast journalist specializing in news and current affairs, as well as a public affairs analyst